Real Housewives’ Simon van Kempen Jizzed On His Wife’s Back While She Gave Birth To Their Son. Wait, WHAT??
Jezebel: Back when they were still on The Real Housewives of New York City before getting fired, Alex McCord and her husband Simon van Kempen were always making people uncomfortable, whether it was because he was running around in a Speedo, or she was trying to model, or they both were saying something terribly cringe-y about social status, etc. They’re a genuine tag team in that regard. Anyway, two years ago they published a book called Little Kids, Big City, a sort of memoir about their experiences raising their two sons. We’re guessing that their co-stars (or anyone else for that matter) never read it because we can’t see how Jill Zarin would’ve ever let the first chapter—the story of François’ birth—slide without comment. In it, Alex describes her birth plan, her choice for a drug-free delivery in a birthing center, and how her husband Simon jizzed all over her in the middle of her miracle.
Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he’d actually ejaculated though hadn’t felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it’s not too far a stretch to say that it’s a profound experience.
That anecdote is more disgusting than Simon in red pleather pants. While I commend them for their complete and, frankly shameless, honesty, I can’t help but think how inappropriate it was of Simon to get a boner. I got mad when my husband was talking during a contraction. There’s no telling what kind of crimes I would’ve committed had he ejaculated on me. I know that shit gets crazy in the delivery room, and you kind of just go with it, but I have to question a man who can get aroused at the site of his wife’s pussy splitting in two. I mean, that’s some kind of kink. You know? Oh, and those poor nurses and midwives that had to be a party to his party in his pants. Ugh!
I really have no idea who these two whackaloons are or even why I’m talking about them except for this story being one of the most strange and disgusting ones I’ve ever heard. So these two are “famous” for being on one of the Real Housewives “reality” shows? And because of that they thought people would actually want to read a book written by them about their childbirth???
Looking at these two though they definitely look like the New Age hippy types that would be into this whole “orgasmic birth” bullshit. I’ve seen two births first hand myself and let me tell you, there is absolutely NOTHING orgasmic about it at all! Fucking messiest and scariest shit I’ve seen in my life! Emotional? Sure! But I had all sort of bodily fluids all over me not one of which was cum. Seriously, my dick must have turtled completely up inside my body it was so god damn frightened. How the fuck does this dude cum on his wife while she’s is screaming in pain and shits flowing out of her like the god damn red sea??