Top 10 Reason Why Men Cheat On ME…
Beat the (C)heat
Sometimes I like to sit around and daydream about how much easier life would have been if I had been born an attractive male. How I could decide to stop eating doritios and lose thirty pounds in 4 days. My Grandmother would stop asking me why I haven’t birthed a baby yet because my sperm would be good until I was 70. I wouldn’t need to spend half my income on shoes, because really, how many pair of shoes does a man need? I wouldn’t have to worry about what would happen if I decided to run for public office, because no one would launch an investigation into how many Assholes I’d banged when I was a minor. I would get mouth sex for virtually no reason at all. “Honey you took the garbage out? Let me blow you!” Basically, three pairs of shoes would be sufficient. I could take my shirt off on a hot day without someone taking that as an invitation to bust a nut on my tits. Sportscenter 24/7/365. Gray hair and wrinkles = “refined.” Waitresses would trip over their feet to deliver my diet cocktails. I would have a biological EXCUSE to justify my cheating ways. *shakes head* Obviously God, hates me and made me a female as some sort of punishment for my crimes committed in a previous life.
It’s pretty fucking obvious that I have penis envy. And that I should have been born a male. Not in a transgender way, but in a thinks-like-a-man kinda way. It’s also pretty obvious that I would be one of those dudes that is AMAZING in bed. But one that would never called you again. I would also have a great penis. It would be huge. Like I even needed to tell you that, it was a given. More importantly I would be the type of dude that wouldn’t dick women around. I wouldn’t be the type of guy who was reckless with hearts. There are plenty of men (and women) out there who are balls to the wall, up front about wanting no strings attached sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. When to consenting individuals enter into that kind of relationship, they know the game they are playing. It is the relationships in which one individual is out playing the field and the other remaining faithful that ruin most people’s view of the whole security of being in a relationship.
You know, all I was trying to do was step up my OWN game when I decided to stop messing around with Assholes who couldn’t spell and read books with more pictures than words. I made it a rule that a man needed to at least have an ATM card, a checking account and not live with his mother. I was only raising my standards an eight of a goddamned inch, and trying NOT to give blowjobs to Dudes who still had a curfew and hadn’t read a full-length book since the eleventh goddamn grade. No offense to those of you who enjoy eating salads yet hate going down on your girlfriends, but on the precipice of 2013 I decided that I wasn’t going to be making time in my busy schedule to bang you anymore. It was time for this old vagina to bang a MAN with character who can put a fucking dresser together without bursting into frustrated tears. If that isn’t you, then let’s just agree to disagree like civil people. But I am done dealing with men who are not on the same relationship page as me.
My current dilemma involves how to date, hang with, rub up on, get to know, like, fuck, or converse with (in a meaningful way, of course) any other human-type person in this age of internets and how to get a man to keep from cheating on me. This of course, is basically impossible. For those of you actually keeping up with the Jones’, I currently ain’t got no mans, and that’s cool with me. I’ve had a few, but they’ve all been lame. However, I have a stellar imaginary boyfriend, who I stalk as much as possible and he’s super rad. I have a television (but no cable) and computer and shelves full of books, so having to entertain myself isn’t the biggest challenge I’ll ever face. But sometimes I want to go out to dinner with someone who doesn’t have a vagina and might actually attempt to pick up the tab and maybe want to drag me back to his cave to inspect my merchandise.
I’ve heard a lot of crying about the whole aspect of cheating and, I know how much it hurts. Christ, who in their right mind WANTS to get cheated on? That’s right, NO ONE. But as I am a totally devoted type, it’s been proven time and again, that it’s my worst nightmare replayed over and over. And since it’s totally unavoidable I give you…
Top 10 Reasons Why My Boyfriends WILL Cheat On Me.
1-I hang out with my Dude friends and Ex’s all the time. Even though he’s moved on and I’ve definitely moved on, we really like to go out and talk about the good old days. I check his Facebook profile daily to see if he’s dumped that new skank he’s been with since we broke up. Can you even believe he’s with her? I ask my current boyfriend, who agrees that I’m much hotter.
2-I smother him with attention. I am consistently trying to have sex with him. Like ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Not even selfish-I-want-you-to-give-it-to-me-from-behind-sex, I’m talking, “let me blow you Honey, I missed you!!” sex. And this apparently drives them nuts. Me going around trying to rape them while they are trying to drive their car down I-90 at 80mph is some sort of danger. Or something. I don’t understand, I must have been absent the day they went over that in Sex-ed.
3-I name their Penis’-Although some men already have named them, I re-name them. Some of my favorites? Jack Kerouwacker. Niagara Balls. Johnny Come Early. Federal Love Project. It is my belief that if I’m banging a dude, the penis is my possession, so therefore I shall claim temporary ownership to it; like an adopted child from a neighboring country. How many parents who adopt little Ming Lee keep that name? That’s right, none.
4-I totally controlling in bed/Sometimes I don’t move at all. 99% of the time I like to be in complete control of sexy time. Meaning I do ALL the work and my partner just does nothing. And if I think about it that’s just fucking annoying. But on the plus side, I have mind-blowing orgasms, each and every time, so who the fuck cares about the fact that men are selfish and lazy fucks. But one time I read in one of those feminist women’s magazines that men really like to dominate their women, so I figure if I’m passed out from two martinis and an Ambien I can truly surrender to his every pleasure and passion. So sometimes I do that too. There’s no better way to take a lady then having her sprawled out and blacked out into submission.
5-I’ve never had a REAL job. EVER. And I don’t plan on having one ever in my lifetime. So every time a dude say’s, “What time will you be done with work?” I say, “I don’t know.” And the answer will always be the same. When he asks, “What are you doing later?” I will say, “I don’t know” and that will be true. My life is not a 9-5 life. I have been self employed for over 12 years. I have never held a job where I punch a time clock. I make my own hours, but I have to hustle to make money. I am on a constant deadline. My responses might seem vague and annoying, but this is how I live. I am in and out of meetings, deliveries, teaching, studio, workshop and at the computer all day everyday. My “job” is 24/7/365.
6-I fall asleep randomly. I’m not sure if I have a case of narcolepsy or if I just keep strange hours. But I will randomly be sleeping at 2pm. Or 7pm. I will fall asleep in your car. On the couch. At the dinner table. Anywhere if you leave me there for more than 20 minutes unattended.
7- I will flirt. With your dad. And your Uncle. And your best friend. And hey, did I mention I’m a sex columnist? I’m going to write about how you do me up the butt and how you really like it when I suck on your balls. And remember that time I convinced you it was a good idea to let me blow you outside the bar and the cop gave us tickets? Yeah? I’m going to write about that too.
8-My crazy Ladybrains. Theses crazy Ladybrains will question will question you about the hot pink yoga pants that are in your bedroom. And the who’s stuff is that in your bathroom? Huummm?? Oh, wait…it’s MINE?? Oh…HA!!*giggle*
9-Attack of the sexts. I will send him demanding sext messages all the time. Like at least 5-8 times a day. I want, I want, I want, I NEEDDDDDD…Followed by want I want/need sexually. Regardless of what he might be doing, like working or attending a funeral, I always think this is more important. Seeing as I’ve never had a legit JOB, I don’t fully grasp the concept of actually WORKING. From I understand it’s a tiresome task. Why anyone would rather do that than respond to my sexts is beyond me.
10-Make him wait. Sometimes I like to withhold sex because you were late in responding to my last sext. Or really for any dumb any reason I want (like those hot pink yoga pants?!). Once a boyfriend didn’t come straight home after work like he promised because his “meeting” went late. I told him I guess I won’t come straight to bed and do him because my “vagina” went late and doesn’t feel like it.
All in all I’m looking for a Dude who will just DEAL with my crazy Ladybrains (for the most part at least). But where does one find such a creature? I’m all sorts of awesome, but I’ve yet to meet someone equally so who wants to sweep me off my feet. Fuck that, even. I’d settle for a brain cell or two and a couple jokes. Meeting dudes in bars is crazy, because most of the time they think they can fuck you right away and bail. And while sometimes that is true, “I’m fucking thirty plus some.” I can’t be doing that retarded shit anymore and, gasp! dare I say it?, I think I’m at a point where I’d actually like to have (insert ominous drumroll, please) a…I’m gonna say it, I really am!, A RELATIONSHIP. It’s a dirty word, I know. But somebody had to say it.
I would like a relationship with a man who is as nice as my retarded cat. But one who doesn’t pee on the floor. I want a man who is not confused about his sexual identity. A man who will not invade my space, but one who will come do tall shit around my apartment when I need him to. I need a man, who likes to be bossed around in bed, but is sexually aggressive and will beat my sassy ass like a gentleman should. I need a man who will not indulge in my excessive nonsense and one who will only cheat on me a little.