When Your Ex Becomes An Ex, Their Family Needs To Become An Ex Too
Shine.Yahoo.com: I missed my almost mother-in-law’s birthday last week. You know how you get the feeling like there’s something about a particular date you should be remembering, like it has some sort of significance but you just can’t dial up exactly what it is in your memory? Turns out, that’s what it was. I was kicking myself all over my own rump for forgetting it.
Because she’s my ex-boyfriend’s mama, some folks might wonder what the big deal is. She’s just the woman responsible for birthing my used-to-be. That’s only partially true. For some reason, I have a personal habit of maintaining better relationships with the mothers of my boyfriends than I do with the actual guys.
Even though me and their sons weren’t able to make it last forever, me and their mamas stay in touch, talk on the phone, even hang out – much to the chagrin of the dudes who brought us together in the first place.
Depending on how close you were to your one-time man’s circle of loved ones, the crash and burned relationship could be like going through two, three, four breakups instead of just the one. I mean, you spend X number of years with a person, getting to know not only them and their quirks and irks, but meeting and bonding with their family, their friends, their fraternity brothers, their co-workers, even their doggone barber. You’re immersed into his life, which means developing connections with the people around him.
The only time I have ever stayed friends with anyone of my ex’s friends or family was my highschool girlfriend. I was really close to her family and a couple of her friends and even went into business with her brother in law. That ended on bad terms for several completely separate reasons. But I do not keep in touch with any of my ex’s parents or family anymore. It just doesn’t happen. It’s just too weird. I couldn’t do it.
Anyone out there disagree that it’s a BAD idea to stay in touch with friends or family of your ex’s?
Like virtually every subject, there are exceptions to the rule, but in general.. BAD idea.
When my ex decided she’d rather bang the Scottish guy at work than stay in our 17 year marriage, she insisted my family was still open territory for her. Her own family is not exceptionally close, but mine is, so for those nearly two decades, she was around my family for birthdays, holidays, funerals, etc. And from that perspective I’ll grant that it’s hard to walk away since after so many shared experiences, my family sort of became her family too. And she was leaving me, not my family.
But here’s the thing: it’s MY freaking family. The fact that her own only gets together every five years to argue about who’s the most disfunctional member does not mean that she’s allowed to adopt mine, since by so doing (and leaving me) she’d force me to have to confront the divorce every time I come around my own family.
For the most part we all took it in stride. I told them I didn’t want them to NOT hang out with her because of me, so if they wanted to still see her, I was ok with that. Since we have kids together, seeing my ex was also a means to show the kids that we were still co-parents even though I viewed her as a lying bitch.
The thing that finally stopped her coming around is when she wanted to bring her new man to my family’s Christmas Eve celebration dinner. That was the final straw for several members of my family, and they voiced their displeasure at her insensitivity. She decided they were being unfair and horribly unjust to her so she’s finally stopped coming around, not because she sees that it’s pretty fucked up to break up a family and then try to introduce one of the reasons into the ex’s family, no… she stopped coming around becuase my family “insulted” her. Classic. Haha!
Unless kids are involved an ex partner really has no claim to one’s family. For a start it’s just offensive and insulting to the ex, that is their family not yours, no matter how much you wished they were.
Secondly it smacks of desperation, either it makes you look like you can’t let go of the ex, or you were with them more for their family and validation that gave you than them. Rude to the hilt.
lastly any new partner is rightfully going to feel put off/out that you are clinging to the family of an ex while being with them. People who cling to an ex’s family in my mind have abandonment issues and are probably lonely people. If you’re clinging to an ex’s family that is a sign you need to reach out to your own, or simply go out and make some new friends.